Things Glen Found Interesting, Volume 475
2 weeks ago
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Pascal's conversion
I found out from a friend today about Blaise Pascal's conversion story. He was a French mathematician, physicist and religious philosopher in the 1600s. It is claimed that he "had an intense religious vision and immediately recorded the experience in a brief note to himself which began: 'Fire. God of Abraham, God of Isaac, God of Jacob, not of the philosophers and the scholars…' and concluded by quoting Psalm 119:16: 'I will not forget thy word. Amen.' " See more in the wiki article, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blaise_Pascal#Religious_conversion.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Grand Mathematician (cont.)
While posting my testimony on God's revelations in mathematics below, I am reminded to two other stories:
1. Charles Townes, Nobel prize-winning physicist who discovered maser and laser. He is also very well-known as a Christian speaker. He is the recipient of the Templeton Prize in 2005. Townes claims that a moment of revelation, rather than inspiration, gave him the idea of the maser (which later led to the invention of the laser) while he was walking in a park one day. See the following interview by UC Berkeley News (Jun 2005): http://www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2005/06/17_townes.shtml
2. Recently, I was working on a problem in my Math 127 class. I needed to find some variants of a certain statistical model. I could not get any headway for 1-2 days, and I asked God if He had any ideas. As usual, He gives me a little chuckle! A few hours later, I had an idea to try the Fourier transformations described in class. At first, the transformations looked really clumsy, and the new Fourier coordinates did not factor nicely into one term. So I gave up. A few hours later with no success, while in the bathroom, I decided to try the Fourier idea again. And this time, everything worked out nicely! I told him that the idea did not come like a clear revelation as it did in Budapest, so I don't know if it was really from him or from myself. He told me that He doesn't really care if I choose to attribute the idea to Him or not: it was my own choice. I said I really want to give Him the praise even when I do not understand how He helped me, so I did.
When the homeworked was returned to us, God reminded me of how the professor in the Budapest class had remarked how His solutions were good. He joked that perhaps my professor would also comment on the Fourier solution. I laughed back. And surprisingly, my professor did talk about the Fourier solution in class!
1. Charles Townes, Nobel prize-winning physicist who discovered maser and laser. He is also very well-known as a Christian speaker. He is the recipient of the Templeton Prize in 2005. Townes claims that a moment of revelation, rather than inspiration, gave him the idea of the maser (which later led to the invention of the laser) while he was walking in a park one day. See the following interview by UC Berkeley News (Jun 2005): http://www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2005/06/17_townes.shtml
2. Recently, I was working on a problem in my Math 127 class. I needed to find some variants of a certain statistical model. I could not get any headway for 1-2 days, and I asked God if He had any ideas. As usual, He gives me a little chuckle! A few hours later, I had an idea to try the Fourier transformations described in class. At first, the transformations looked really clumsy, and the new Fourier coordinates did not factor nicely into one term. So I gave up. A few hours later with no success, while in the bathroom, I decided to try the Fourier idea again. And this time, everything worked out nicely! I told him that the idea did not come like a clear revelation as it did in Budapest, so I don't know if it was really from him or from myself. He told me that He doesn't really care if I choose to attribute the idea to Him or not: it was my own choice. I said I really want to give Him the praise even when I do not understand how He helped me, so I did.
When the homeworked was returned to us, God reminded me of how the professor in the Budapest class had remarked how His solutions were good. He joked that perhaps my professor would also comment on the Fourier solution. I laughed back. And surprisingly, my professor did talk about the Fourier solution in class!
Grand Mathematician
Here is an interesting testimony of some of the miracles that God has been doing in my life, with regards to mathematics. I wrote it for Ps Derek Hong of Church of Our Savior, because he was preparing a sermon on Christians in the marketplace and had heard of my testimony from another friend:
It began in Dec 2002, when I was a freshman at Stanford. I was taking a maths competition called Putnam which university students from all over the US take part in. I was doing question A5 and was thinking about it for a long time but could not get the answer. I realized that God is the Greatest Mathematician in the universe, so I decided to ask Him for help. After some time, when I was looking at a sequence of number, I heard His familiar gentle inner voice telling me "Go forward 4 steps, go back 3." I doubted for a while if that was Him. After some struggle, I decided to give that suggestion a try. When I looked at the sequence by jumping forward 4 numbers and going back another 3, I found a pattern. This pattern allowed me to solve the problem. After the competition, God asked me if I would give Him the glory for His helping me with the questions, and I said I would. When I told my friends about how God helped me with the competition, not many believed me but it was a start. Three months later, I got the results for the competition, and found out that I was ranked 40th in the whole of USA. I was so thrilled.
During my second year at Stanford, I took a really difficult maths class called Modern Algebra which was for graduate students. I spent many nights trying to solve the problems, and it took me a while to remember how God helped me at the Putnam six months before. Again, I asked God to teach me to do the problems. While I did not get any clear words from him about the solutions, there were many times when I would suddenly see the link between different parts of the problem less than 5 minutes after I prayed. At the end of the term, I scored an A for the class. I was so thrilled. God was teaching me that He can help me with my Mathematics in more ways than just speaking the solution to me. He was teaching me that I have to humble myself before Him to ask Him for help, and stop thinking that I was invincible in solving all the problems by myself, but that with His help, indeed we can solve all problems. He also started showing me that since young, He has been the One guiding and teaching me as I grew in my mathematical gifting.
During my third and last year at Stanford, I did a 3-month math exchange programme in Budapest, Hungary. The programme is famous for stretching the students in their problem solving skills. During that term, my mind was not so much on the programme, because I was more worried about trying to graduate that year. I wanted to write a good research thesis to improve my chances of getting into a good PhD programme. But I was so desparate because I did not understand the material the professor gave me, nor did I have any new ideas to work on. Then, God asked me if I would give up my thesis for Him, that I would be contented not writing any thesis at all, or to sacrifice my thesis in the case He wanted me to be more involved in ministry. I struggled for many days before committing my thesis to Him. I reminded Him that He had promised me 1 year back that I would go to Berkeley for PhD. Berkeley is THE top maths school in the US. I complained that if I do not have a thesis, I would not be able to get into Berkeley. He said nothing in reply to my complaint, but I felt a peace that He had everything in His hands. During that term, God told me to take part in the Putnam again. I told Him that Putnam is a self-glorifying competition, and I was too busy with my thesis to take part. He asked me if I thought it is possible to glorify Him instead of myself through the competition, and I said yes. I asked Him if He would once again show me the solutions to the problems as He did 2 years ago. He said that He would rather I work hard practicing for the competition. Thus, I spent all my energy practicing, focussed on glorifying Him with the competition than glorifying myself. I would try my best, and this would glorify Him, even if I did not get 40th again in the competition.
During that time in Budapest, the professor for my combinatorics class gave some really difficult problems. There are two incidents of God's miraculous help. Once, there was this problem I could not solve for days. I gave up on my own strength, and prayed to the Grand Mathematician for help. While I was in the toilet, He spoke loudly to me, "COUNTING". Immediately, I set off to try all sorts of counting proofs but after a few days, I still could not get the anwer. I was doubting if I had heard God wrongly when I suddenly had an idea to look up the chapter on "Counting" in my textbook. And there it was, the first theorem in that chapter, is the problem I am trying to solve. So I just copied the solution. When the professor returned the assignement, he said only one person solved the problem, and that was me. He said it didn't count though, because I had used the solution in the textbook! I was so thrilled, because I realized that not everyone could tell that it was a "Counting" problem. Without His help, I could not have known where to find the answer!
The second time was a few weeks later. Again, I tried to depend on my own strength and gave up trying to solve a another problem. I asked Him to help me again. By now, God had taught me to "Watch". In other words, the answer often does not come immediately but I have to be waiting and watching on Him for it. One day I was walking to school when I saw a sign along the street (see attached picture). I kept staring at the sign and I did not know why. After I reached home and was trying to solve that problem, God asked me what I saw today. I told him about the sign. He asked me if it reminded me of anything. I thought for a while, and thought it looked like a tic-tac-toe board. Suddenly, I remembered that there was a theorem nicknamed the Tic-Tac-Toe Theorem in my textbook ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hales-Jewett_theorem). I applied it to the problem and immediately, the proof came right out of it. I was so thrilled. When the professor returned the assignment, he said that only two people solved the problem. One person solved it the standard way which he had in his official answer sheet. The other person solved it using a new way that was so short and ingenious that he was going to include that in his answer sheet. The second person turned out to be me.
These two incidences and some others convinced me that God was going to see me through my PhD and research career. Meanwhile, I hope that my encounters with God will challenge people to think about His reality and personality, especially in a world where God is relegated to fairy tales, or made to seem like an indifferent and angry dictator. To end my stories above, in Budapest He gave me new ideas for my thesis, allowing me to finish the project. As for the Putnam exam, I solved 9 out of 12 problems. When the results came out three months later, I got 13th place in USA. It was Stanford's best Putnam results since 1981, and Singapore's best Putnam result. When I graduated that year, I was also given a research distinction award by the Stanford maths dept for my thesis work. All this left me in awe with God for His goodness. And yes, I got into Berkeley eventually.
Now that I am in A*STAR, I have had other experiences of God helping me to solve my math problems. He continues to assure me, that in these Last Days, He will pour out even more than these on all His children, that He will bless them with the incredible new discoveries. However, we need to continue to humble ourselves before Him, to allow Him to use us than for us to use Him, to seek intimacy with Him first than to seek the research solutions, and to continually hear His voice in all areas of our lives.
It began in Dec 2002, when I was a freshman at Stanford. I was taking a maths competition called Putnam which university students from all over the US take part in. I was doing question A5 and was thinking about it for a long time but could not get the answer. I realized that God is the Greatest Mathematician in the universe, so I decided to ask Him for help. After some time, when I was looking at a sequence of number, I heard His familiar gentle inner voice telling me "Go forward 4 steps, go back 3." I doubted for a while if that was Him. After some struggle, I decided to give that suggestion a try. When I looked at the sequence by jumping forward 4 numbers and going back another 3, I found a pattern. This pattern allowed me to solve the problem. After the competition, God asked me if I would give Him the glory for His helping me with the questions, and I said I would. When I told my friends about how God helped me with the competition, not many believed me but it was a start. Three months later, I got the results for the competition, and found out that I was ranked 40th in the whole of USA. I was so thrilled.
During my second year at Stanford, I took a really difficult maths class called Modern Algebra which was for graduate students. I spent many nights trying to solve the problems, and it took me a while to remember how God helped me at the Putnam six months before. Again, I asked God to teach me to do the problems. While I did not get any clear words from him about the solutions, there were many times when I would suddenly see the link between different parts of the problem less than 5 minutes after I prayed. At the end of the term, I scored an A for the class. I was so thrilled. God was teaching me that He can help me with my Mathematics in more ways than just speaking the solution to me. He was teaching me that I have to humble myself before Him to ask Him for help, and stop thinking that I was invincible in solving all the problems by myself, but that with His help, indeed we can solve all problems. He also started showing me that since young, He has been the One guiding and teaching me as I grew in my mathematical gifting.
During my third and last year at Stanford, I did a 3-month math exchange programme in Budapest, Hungary. The programme is famous for stretching the students in their problem solving skills. During that term, my mind was not so much on the programme, because I was more worried about trying to graduate that year. I wanted to write a good research thesis to improve my chances of getting into a good PhD programme. But I was so desparate because I did not understand the material the professor gave me, nor did I have any new ideas to work on. Then, God asked me if I would give up my thesis for Him, that I would be contented not writing any thesis at all, or to sacrifice my thesis in the case He wanted me to be more involved in ministry. I struggled for many days before committing my thesis to Him. I reminded Him that He had promised me 1 year back that I would go to Berkeley for PhD. Berkeley is THE top maths school in the US. I complained that if I do not have a thesis, I would not be able to get into Berkeley. He said nothing in reply to my complaint, but I felt a peace that He had everything in His hands. During that term, God told me to take part in the Putnam again. I told Him that Putnam is a self-glorifying competition, and I was too busy with my thesis to take part. He asked me if I thought it is possible to glorify Him instead of myself through the competition, and I said yes. I asked Him if He would once again show me the solutions to the problems as He did 2 years ago. He said that He would rather I work hard practicing for the competition. Thus, I spent all my energy practicing, focussed on glorifying Him with the competition than glorifying myself. I would try my best, and this would glorify Him, even if I did not get 40th again in the competition.
During that time in Budapest, the professor for my combinatorics class gave some really difficult problems. There are two incidents of God's miraculous help. Once, there was this problem I could not solve for days. I gave up on my own strength, and prayed to the Grand Mathematician for help. While I was in the toilet, He spoke loudly to me, "COUNTING". Immediately, I set off to try all sorts of counting proofs but after a few days, I still could not get the anwer. I was doubting if I had heard God wrongly when I suddenly had an idea to look up the chapter on "Counting" in my textbook. And there it was, the first theorem in that chapter, is the problem I am trying to solve. So I just copied the solution. When the professor returned the assignement, he said only one person solved the problem, and that was me. He said it didn't count though, because I had used the solution in the textbook! I was so thrilled, because I realized that not everyone could tell that it was a "Counting" problem. Without His help, I could not have known where to find the answer!
The second time was a few weeks later. Again, I tried to depend on my own strength and gave up trying to solve a another problem. I asked Him to help me again. By now, God had taught me to "Watch". In other words, the answer often does not come immediately but I have to be waiting and watching on Him for it. One day I was walking to school when I saw a sign along the street (see attached picture). I kept staring at the sign and I did not know why. After I reached home and was trying to solve that problem, God asked me what I saw today. I told him about the sign. He asked me if it reminded me of anything. I thought for a while, and thought it looked like a tic-tac-toe board. Suddenly, I remembered that there was a theorem nicknamed the Tic-Tac-Toe Theorem in my textbook ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hales-Jewett_theorem). I applied it to the problem and immediately, the proof came right out of it. I was so thrilled. When the professor returned the assignment, he said that only two people solved the problem. One person solved it the standard way which he had in his official answer sheet. The other person solved it using a new way that was so short and ingenious that he was going to include that in his answer sheet. The second person turned out to be me.
These two incidences and some others convinced me that God was going to see me through my PhD and research career. Meanwhile, I hope that my encounters with God will challenge people to think about His reality and personality, especially in a world where God is relegated to fairy tales, or made to seem like an indifferent and angry dictator. To end my stories above, in Budapest He gave me new ideas for my thesis, allowing me to finish the project. As for the Putnam exam, I solved 9 out of 12 problems. When the results came out three months later, I got 13th place in USA. It was Stanford's best Putnam results since 1981, and Singapore's best Putnam result. When I graduated that year, I was also given a research distinction award by the Stanford maths dept for my thesis work. All this left me in awe with God for His goodness. And yes, I got into Berkeley eventually.
Now that I am in A*STAR, I have had other experiences of God helping me to solve my math problems. He continues to assure me, that in these Last Days, He will pour out even more than these on all His children, that He will bless them with the incredible new discoveries. However, we need to continue to humble ourselves before Him, to allow Him to use us than for us to use Him, to seek intimacy with Him first than to seek the research solutions, and to continually hear His voice in all areas of our lives.
Loving My Weaknesses
After God taught me to do everything out of love, out of the want in my heart, I went through another few weeks of fluctuating experiences. Sometimes, I understood His goodness to such a deep extent that I felt like exploding, and I could not stop praising Him. Sometimes, I felt so dry because I have not been spending as much time as I want with Him. I felt like I had disappointed Him, even though He probably still loved me just as much anyway. He deserved so much more from me. He is already happy with me, but I wanted to be good and perfect, so that He could be even happier. I wanted my Father to be happy.
But on 3rd Apr, I had a breakthough, and I wrote it down in my journal (BOLD represents what I think He is saying to me):
"There are many things I don't know, many ways I am not perfect, many areas I am still weak. But I am strong in my weakness! I will boast of my weakness, because they cause me to depend on Him, who is strong!
MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS. (2 Cor 12)
I am already perfect!! I used to keep thinking that there is one more aspect of me that needs changing. My problem wasn't that area which needs changing. It was my attitude that I always have a weakness, that I am ashamed of my weaknesses. Now, even that attitude isn't a problem anymore! I have no more problems, I'm not ashamed of my weaknesses; rather, I will boast of them, because by them, His power rests on me, and His power makes me perfect. I'm proud of my weaknesses -- my worrying, my temptations, my slowness to understanding complex mathematics. And I'm proud of everyone else's weaknesses; I love them for their weaknesses, for I see the perfection of God in their weaknesses. Everyone is perfect and everyone is lovable because I now love myself: my weak but perfect self.
He is all about Intimacy; because of that, He allows us to be weak so that we will draw near to Him. We will fail but He will not. So what if we fail, if it causes us to draw near to Him?
He is all about Faith; He commended the centurion and the woman with the issue of blood and the woman who asked for crumbs from the table -- for their faith. He commended people first and foremost for their faith. He did not commend the rich young ruler for his good deeds. Why did He favor faith over many other things, including good deeds? Because these people saw their weaknesses, accepted them, and trusted Him to provide the rest.
We find it hard to trust a stranger or an acquaintance to help us in times of need, even if that stranger is good or powerful. We can only sincerely trust with our hearts, a close friend, a brother or a father. Jesus does not expect us to trust him, if we only know him as a stranger or acquaintance or a famous person out of a book. He desires intimacy with us, so that out of that intimacy comes trust and faith. We don't have to be ashamed of ourselves for our lack of faith. If we want more faith, we just need to draw close to Him. Even for that act of drawing close, He will provide the strength and passion to draw close. We only have to ask. When praying for something, faith is not about putting our Hopes in a good outcome. It is about putting our hope in Him. When we do that, no matter what the outcome is, we have won.
So now, we have Faith, Hope and Intimacy (Love). But the greatest of these is Intimacy."
So seek first, Intimacy. Do not veer left or right. Everything else follows.
But on 3rd Apr, I had a breakthough, and I wrote it down in my journal (BOLD represents what I think He is saying to me):
"There are many things I don't know, many ways I am not perfect, many areas I am still weak. But I am strong in my weakness! I will boast of my weakness, because they cause me to depend on Him, who is strong!
MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS. (2 Cor 12)
I am already perfect!! I used to keep thinking that there is one more aspect of me that needs changing. My problem wasn't that area which needs changing. It was my attitude that I always have a weakness, that I am ashamed of my weaknesses. Now, even that attitude isn't a problem anymore! I have no more problems, I'm not ashamed of my weaknesses; rather, I will boast of them, because by them, His power rests on me, and His power makes me perfect. I'm proud of my weaknesses -- my worrying, my temptations, my slowness to understanding complex mathematics. And I'm proud of everyone else's weaknesses; I love them for their weaknesses, for I see the perfection of God in their weaknesses. Everyone is perfect and everyone is lovable because I now love myself: my weak but perfect self.
He is all about Intimacy; because of that, He allows us to be weak so that we will draw near to Him. We will fail but He will not. So what if we fail, if it causes us to draw near to Him?
He is all about Faith; He commended the centurion and the woman with the issue of blood and the woman who asked for crumbs from the table -- for their faith. He commended people first and foremost for their faith. He did not commend the rich young ruler for his good deeds. Why did He favor faith over many other things, including good deeds? Because these people saw their weaknesses, accepted them, and trusted Him to provide the rest.
We find it hard to trust a stranger or an acquaintance to help us in times of need, even if that stranger is good or powerful. We can only sincerely trust with our hearts, a close friend, a brother or a father. Jesus does not expect us to trust him, if we only know him as a stranger or acquaintance or a famous person out of a book. He desires intimacy with us, so that out of that intimacy comes trust and faith. We don't have to be ashamed of ourselves for our lack of faith. If we want more faith, we just need to draw close to Him. Even for that act of drawing close, He will provide the strength and passion to draw close. We only have to ask. When praying for something, faith is not about putting our Hopes in a good outcome. It is about putting our hope in Him. When we do that, no matter what the outcome is, we have won.
So now, we have Faith, Hope and Intimacy (Love). But the greatest of these is Intimacy."
So seek first, Intimacy. Do not veer left or right. Everything else follows.
Loving Myself
The last 3 months has been a very memorable season for me.
Since coming back from Nigeria (mid-January), there has been a great reduction in revelations, miracles and service to others. I struggled with what I believed to be basics: my temptations, my sins, my work, my relationships, my daily disciplines. I thought I was back-sliding. But His voice assured me that I was in the right place. To tell you the truth, I was scared. I have never walked this way before, and my first response to something unfamiliar is that it is wrong. Only He is able to lead me in the right direction. He taught me to focus on His ability to lead me, rather than my ability to follow Him. I remember waiting for the bus late one night, and fears that I was back-sliding started to arise again in me. I spoke to Him, but continually doubted if it was Him I was talking to. He said, "I am in control, I know where you are even though you are not in control and do not know where you are. Trust me! As a sign, the bus will arrive in 5 minutes." I looked at my watch, it was 9:32:30 pm. I closed my eyes and said "I don't want to test you." Actually, I was more afraid of being disappointed. I waited for a long time. The bus did not come. I said, "See, I knew I should not have tested you." I opened my eyes, looked up in the distance and saw the bus coming. I looked at my watch, and was surprised to find it was 9:37:05 pm. Eventually, the bus arrived, stopped and the doors opened. I looked at my watch again, it was 9:37:30 pm. Tears came. "Remember this day," He said, "I am in control."
Here is the word for this season: "Do what you want to do.", He seems to be telling me. If I do not want to do my homework, I should not do it. If I do not want to do my quiet time, I should not do it. If I do not want to help someone, I should not do it. If I do not want to go to church, I should not go. I was scared because these are the things that I thought a Christian needs to do. I cried out to Him for direction, "Tell me to do my quiet time, and I will follow. Tell me to help that person, and I will go!" He responds lovingly, "You don't need to do anything." To me, it was really frustrating. I realized that I wanted to gain His approval by doing what He commands, but He already approves of me. I realized that I do a lot of things out of obligation, rather than out of passion. We need to be driven by passion, because at the end of the day, it is not what we do that matters but how much love we have in our hearts.
Ps 32:8-9 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you."
When I finally decided to follow his advice and "do what I want", I found that I could not. The pharisee in me condemned me for not following the rules of being a proper Christian. Even after I struggled past that pharisee, I looked into my heart and saw emptiness. I did not know what I want at all. I was like a shell: alive on the outside but dead on the inside. One day while driving, I became overwhelmed by the darkness and emptiness, and tears welled up in my eyes. I cried in a loud voice, out of desperation, "Lord, I want to want! Put passion in me, so I can be alive!" I felt a tiny seed shake in my heart. It was awakening. His Spirit filled me. The seed began to grow. That night, I felt for the first time, excited to do my homework. I wanted to learn new things! I was thrilled with the thought of meeting Him in the secret place the next morning, I just wanted to spend time with Him. I loved Him because I wanted to! Wow! It was so awesome! I can love!!
All of my life, I have been suppressing my wants until all of them died. I did that because I do not love myself enough. I used to think that my own wants are selfish and prideful, and that I need to think about what He wants all the time. But He is teaching me to listen to my heart, to see and understand what I really want. He is showing me that He has redeemed my heart, and instead of finding an ugly messy muck in my heart, I found His beauty in who He created me to be. I found that deep inside my heart, all I really want is Him. I have to start doing what I really want, instead of what others want or what my flesh wants. I have to stop trying to do things to gain His approval, because I am redeemed and He already approves of me and is pleased with me.
Since coming back from Nigeria (mid-January), there has been a great reduction in revelations, miracles and service to others. I struggled with what I believed to be basics: my temptations, my sins, my work, my relationships, my daily disciplines. I thought I was back-sliding. But His voice assured me that I was in the right place. To tell you the truth, I was scared. I have never walked this way before, and my first response to something unfamiliar is that it is wrong. Only He is able to lead me in the right direction. He taught me to focus on His ability to lead me, rather than my ability to follow Him. I remember waiting for the bus late one night, and fears that I was back-sliding started to arise again in me. I spoke to Him, but continually doubted if it was Him I was talking to. He said, "I am in control, I know where you are even though you are not in control and do not know where you are. Trust me! As a sign, the bus will arrive in 5 minutes." I looked at my watch, it was 9:32:30 pm. I closed my eyes and said "I don't want to test you." Actually, I was more afraid of being disappointed. I waited for a long time. The bus did not come. I said, "See, I knew I should not have tested you." I opened my eyes, looked up in the distance and saw the bus coming. I looked at my watch, and was surprised to find it was 9:37:05 pm. Eventually, the bus arrived, stopped and the doors opened. I looked at my watch again, it was 9:37:30 pm. Tears came. "Remember this day," He said, "I am in control."
Here is the word for this season: "Do what you want to do.", He seems to be telling me. If I do not want to do my homework, I should not do it. If I do not want to do my quiet time, I should not do it. If I do not want to help someone, I should not do it. If I do not want to go to church, I should not go. I was scared because these are the things that I thought a Christian needs to do. I cried out to Him for direction, "Tell me to do my quiet time, and I will follow. Tell me to help that person, and I will go!" He responds lovingly, "You don't need to do anything." To me, it was really frustrating. I realized that I wanted to gain His approval by doing what He commands, but He already approves of me. I realized that I do a lot of things out of obligation, rather than out of passion. We need to be driven by passion, because at the end of the day, it is not what we do that matters but how much love we have in our hearts.
Ps 32:8-9 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you."
When I finally decided to follow his advice and "do what I want", I found that I could not. The pharisee in me condemned me for not following the rules of being a proper Christian. Even after I struggled past that pharisee, I looked into my heart and saw emptiness. I did not know what I want at all. I was like a shell: alive on the outside but dead on the inside. One day while driving, I became overwhelmed by the darkness and emptiness, and tears welled up in my eyes. I cried in a loud voice, out of desperation, "Lord, I want to want! Put passion in me, so I can be alive!" I felt a tiny seed shake in my heart. It was awakening. His Spirit filled me. The seed began to grow. That night, I felt for the first time, excited to do my homework. I wanted to learn new things! I was thrilled with the thought of meeting Him in the secret place the next morning, I just wanted to spend time with Him. I loved Him because I wanted to! Wow! It was so awesome! I can love!!
All of my life, I have been suppressing my wants until all of them died. I did that because I do not love myself enough. I used to think that my own wants are selfish and prideful, and that I need to think about what He wants all the time. But He is teaching me to listen to my heart, to see and understand what I really want. He is showing me that He has redeemed my heart, and instead of finding an ugly messy muck in my heart, I found His beauty in who He created me to be. I found that deep inside my heart, all I really want is Him. I have to start doing what I really want, instead of what others want or what my flesh wants. I have to stop trying to do things to gain His approval, because I am redeemed and He already approves of me and is pleased with me.
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