Loving My Weaknesses

After God taught me to do everything out of love, out of the want in my heart, I went through another few weeks of fluctuating experiences. Sometimes, I understood His goodness to such a deep extent that I felt like exploding, and I could not stop praising Him. Sometimes, I felt so dry because I have not been spending as much time as I want with Him. I felt like I had disappointed Him, even though He probably still loved me just as much anyway. He deserved so much more from me. He is already happy with me, but I wanted to be good and perfect, so that He could be even happier. I wanted my Father to be happy.

But on 3rd Apr, I had a breakthough, and I wrote it down in my journal (BOLD represents what I think He is saying to me):

"There are many things I don't know, many ways I am not perfect, many areas I am still weak. But I am strong in my weakness! I will boast of my weakness, because they cause me to depend on Him, who is strong!

MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS. (2 Cor 12)

I am already perfect!! I used to keep thinking that there is one more aspect of me that needs changing. My problem wasn't that area which needs changing. It was my attitude that I always have a weakness, that I am ashamed of my weaknesses. Now, even that attitude isn't a problem anymore! I have no more problems, I'm not ashamed of my weaknesses; rather, I will boast of them, because by them, His power rests on me, and His power makes me perfect. I'm proud of my weaknesses -- my worrying, my temptations, my slowness to understanding complex mathematics. And I'm proud of everyone else's weaknesses; I love them for their weaknesses, for I see the perfection of God in their weaknesses. Everyone is perfect and everyone is lovable because I now love myself: my weak but perfect self.

He is all about Intimacy; because of that, He allows us to be weak so that we will draw near to Him. We will fail but He will not. So what if we fail, if it causes us to draw near to Him?

He is all about Faith; He commended the centurion and the woman with the issue of blood and the woman who asked for crumbs from the table -- for their faith. He commended people first and foremost for their faith. He did not commend the rich young ruler for his good deeds. Why did He favor faith over many other things, including good deeds? Because these people saw their weaknesses, accepted them, and trusted Him to provide the rest.

We find it hard to trust a stranger or an acquaintance to help us in times of need, even if that stranger is good or powerful. We can only sincerely trust with our hearts, a close friend, a brother or a father. Jesus does not expect us to trust him, if we only know him as a stranger or acquaintance or a famous person out of a book. He desires intimacy with us, so that out of that intimacy comes trust and faith. We don't have to be ashamed of ourselves for our lack of faith. If we want more faith, we just need to draw close to Him. Even for that act of drawing close, He will provide the strength and passion to draw close. We only have to ask. When praying for something, faith is not about putting our Hopes in a good outcome. It is about putting our hope in Him. When we do that, no matter what the outcome is, we have won.

So now, we have Faith, Hope and Intimacy (Love). But the greatest of these is Intimacy."

So seek first, Intimacy. Do not veer left or right. Everything else follows.