SR7: It is finished

"Logicomix" uncovered deeper reasons behind my past atheism. Indeed, logic and reason gave me a systematic way to purify my life of disappointments, and I believed that it would free the world of its problems as well. Meanwhile, scientific and political history proved that Religion has caused nothing but problems. I convinced myself to steer far from the idea of God.

After God revealed himself to me in a dream, I could no longer deny His existence. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. Yet, I started to feel ashamed of my mind, because following my mind had led me away from Him most of my life. This shame was subconscious to me: though I felt it deep in my soul, I was not aware that it was there. I started studying Science and Religion (apologetics), to prevent my mind from returning to that place of godlessness. I also contemplated leaving mathematics, because it made me feel ashamed every time I engaged in it, and I could not understand this emotion at all.

I now understand why 7 years ago, God told me let go of apologetics, and to come deeper with Him. He told me, "Let's spend the next 40 days studying something new." I asked, "What should we study?" He replied, "Intimacy." Those were some of the best days of my life. After the 40 days, I was rocked. Drunk. Undone. I told him, "I don't want this season to end!" He said, "Oh, it won't. This season is going to last forever."

God flooded me with revelations upon revelations over the years, and I changed as a person, in my depths, in my core. I was satisfied beyond measure. His truths and principles got deeper and higher and stronger and wider. God is love, God is good, I am loved, I am amazing... I learnt each of these in powerful tear-filled seasons of my life. But I was afraid to forget or lose those revelations, because they were the reason for my new freedom. I wanted to know God at His core so that I would never ever be shaken again.

After reading about Godel's Incompleteness Theorem, it finally hit me. No powerful system of principles (logical or spiritual) will ever be complete. God will never be contained a box made of principles. For twenty years I tried to protect my life with logical principles, and for another ten years, I tried to protect it with spiritual ones. I looked Him in His eyes tearfully, as the sand castle I was building crumbled in my hands. I was vulnerable, out-of-control, defenseless. In my weakness, He held me close and hugged me tightly. "It has always been about the Person," he whispered, "about you, about me, about us, about our relationship. I will never let you go, even if you let me go. I will use everything to woo you. Everything." When he said that, I realized that this was why He used principles and revelations to lead me. I was being transformed by the renewing of my mind.

In that moment, I realized that there wasn't a war between Principles and Person, but Principles had always served the Person. The Person is fluid and living, yet having and using principles in a strong and powerful way, like water that is simple and structured but is able to move mountains and give life to everything. I realized that God has given me a powerful mind for amazing reasons: to know Him, to experience Him, to understand Him. To learn, to shift, to create my future and the world around me. It is a weapon with immense potential. That my mind was created by Him for goodness, it can never lead me astray. The enemy can try to use it for his gain, but God is my shield, my fortress. I embraced my mind fully for the first time. All the shame evaporated. I stepped fully into my identity. I am starting to dream again! I love loving God with all of my mind!

Religion occurs when we try to make Persons serve the Principles. Religion does not need a god-head to be religious. A good example is that of Nazism during World War II. Their principles under the pretense of logic gave them a reason to conquer and terminate other people. Similarly, any form of Christianity which forces people to believe in something or to guilt-trip them into doing something, under the pretense of spirituality, is also religion. God has never forced me to believe in Him. He doesn't need to. It has always been an invitation, a gentle yet passionate pursuit of love.