Loving Myself

The last 3 months has been a very memorable season for me.

Since coming back from Nigeria (mid-January), there has been a great reduction in revelations, miracles and service to others. I struggled with what I believed to be basics: my temptations, my sins, my work, my relationships, my daily disciplines. I thought I was back-sliding. But His voice assured me that I was in the right place. To tell you the truth, I was scared. I have never walked this way before, and my first response to something unfamiliar is that it is wrong. Only He is able to lead me in the right direction. He taught me to focus on His ability to lead me, rather than my ability to follow Him. I remember waiting for the bus late one night, and fears that I was back-sliding started to arise again in me. I spoke to Him, but continually doubted if it was Him I was talking to. He said, "I am in control, I know where you are even though you are not in control and do not know where you are. Trust me! As a sign, the bus will arrive in 5 minutes." I looked at my watch, it was 9:32:30 pm. I closed my eyes and said "I don't want to test you." Actually, I was more afraid of being disappointed. I waited for a long time. The bus did not come. I said, "See, I knew I should not have tested you." I opened my eyes, looked up in the distance and saw the bus coming. I looked at my watch, and was surprised to find it was 9:37:05 pm. Eventually, the bus arrived, stopped and the doors opened. I looked at my watch again, it was 9:37:30 pm. Tears came. "Remember this day," He said, "I am in control."

Here is the word for this season: "Do what you want to do.", He seems to be telling me. If I do not want to do my homework, I should not do it. If I do not want to do my quiet time, I should not do it. If I do not want to help someone, I should not do it. If I do not want to go to church, I should not go. I was scared because these are the things that I thought a Christian needs to do. I cried out to Him for direction, "Tell me to do my quiet time, and I will follow. Tell me to help that person, and I will go!" He responds lovingly, "You don't need to do anything." To me, it was really frustrating. I realized that I wanted to gain His approval by doing what He commands, but He already approves of me. I realized that I do a lot of things out of obligation, rather than out of passion. We need to be driven by passion, because at the end of the day, it is not what we do that matters but how much love we have in our hearts.

Ps 32:8-9 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you."

When I finally decided to follow his advice and "do what I want", I found that I could not. The pharisee in me condemned me for not following the rules of being a proper Christian. Even after I struggled past that pharisee, I looked into my heart and saw emptiness. I did not know what I want at all. I was like a shell: alive on the outside but dead on the inside. One day while driving, I became overwhelmed by the darkness and emptiness, and tears welled up in my eyes. I cried in a loud voice, out of desperation, "Lord, I want to want! Put passion in me, so I can be alive!" I felt a tiny seed shake in my heart. It was awakening. His Spirit filled me. The seed began to grow. That night, I felt for the first time, excited to do my homework. I wanted to learn new things! I was thrilled with the thought of meeting Him in the secret place the next morning, I just wanted to spend time with Him. I loved Him because I wanted to! Wow! It was so awesome! I can love!!

All of my life, I have been suppressing my wants until all of them died. I did that because I do not love myself enough. I used to think that my own wants are selfish and prideful, and that I need to think about what He wants all the time. But He is teaching me to listen to my heart, to see and understand what I really want. He is showing me that He has redeemed my heart, and instead of finding an ugly messy muck in my heart, I found His beauty in who He created me to be. I found that deep inside my heart, all I really want is Him. I have to start doing what I really want, instead of what others want or what my flesh wants. I have to stop trying to do things to gain His approval, because I am redeemed and He already approves of me and is pleased with me.