Proactive vs Reactive

From "Boundaries'' (Cloud and Townsend), Pg 95:

=====

Many of us have known people who, after years of being passive and compliant, suddenly go ballistic, and we wonder what happened. We blame it on the counselor they are seeing or the company they've been keeping.

In reality, they have been complying for years, and their pent-up rage explodes. This reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful, especially for victims. They need to get out of the powerless, victimized place in which they may have been forced by physical and sexual abuse, or by emotional blackmail and manipulation. We should herald their emancipation.

But when is enough enough? Reaction phases are necessary but not sufficient for the establishment of boundaries. It is crucial for the two-year-old to throw peas at Mommy, but to continue that until forty-three is too much. It is crucial for victims of abuse to feel the rage and hatred of being powerless, but to be screaming "victim rights'' for the rest of their lives is being stuck in a "victim mentality.''

Emotionally, the reactive stance brings diminishing returns. You must react to find your boundaries, but having found them, you must "not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature... . If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other'' (Gal5:13,15). Eventually, you must rejoin the human race you have reacted to, and establish connections as equals, loving your neighbor as yourself.

This is the beginning of the establishment of proactive, instead of reactive, boundaries. This is where you are able to use the freedom you gained through reacting to love, enjoy, and serve one another. Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. These people are very different from those who are known by what they hate, what they don't like, what they stand against, and what they will not do.

While reactive people are primarily known by their "against'' stances, proactice people do not demand rights, they live them. Power is not something you demand or deserve, it is something you express. The ultimate expression of power is love; it is the ability not to express power, but to restrain it. Proactive people are able to "die to self'' and not "return evil for evil.'' They have gotten past the reactive stance of the law and are able to love and not react.

Listen to Jesus compare the reactive person who is still controlled by the law and others with the free person: "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also'' (Matt5:38-39).

Do not try to get to freedom without owning your reactive period and feelings. You do not need to act this out, but you do need to express the feelings. You need to practice and gain assertiveness. You need to get far enough away from abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion. And then you need to own the treasures you find in your soul.

But, do not stay there. Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than "finding yourself.'' A reactive stage is a stage, not an identity. It is necessary, but not sufficient.

=====